It's good to be alone isn't it? Or is it? Would you know? Maybe you have a life alone too. You would also know.
A life so private you can go for days without speaking to anyone.
The space in your head becomes your universe. Mine is doing that right now. An empty room and a head full of words and ideas and activity but just me silently experiencing it.
Each decision involves a silent conversation with myself. What channel to watch on tv, what food to take for tea, what preparation shall I do, what spoon shall I use, what timing for it, what plan to make for now, what plan can wait until tomorrow, what important things to remember for the morning. They all involve that silent conversation, that tossing around of ideas, those unspoken words that something can go outside to the rubbish bin because in doing so it will make space in the house for the next piece of rubbish and make the morning better, cleaner, easier to make the effort now; something else can be placed in the dishwasher, something else from the fridge readied in time for the hot food; a plate warmed, a serving spoon made ready, a glass of water, a knife selected which has to be the right one, a fork, a position for them on the table.
These things happen silently alone but they all involve small moments of decision and activity in the brain manifested in physical movements of the body. A hand moved, a muscle flexed, a short walk across a room, a scratch, a door opened, a door closed.
A shred of fear about a decision that will remain that, a fear alone that will not be shared. If I am lucky it will solve itself in my head and not trouble me anymore. If I am not so lucky it may multiply. It may torment.
Discussion out loud does not take place, it is not necessary to verbalise any of this, it is just me.
Rachel, you have described very well what those of us who live alone experience - some to a more, others to a lesser extent.
ReplyDeleteI was widowed more than 16 years ago and have been living alone ever since. I was 41 when it happened (and so was my husband). But I have never been ALL alone for very long, and for the last ten years, I have been in an long-distance relationship which makes nearly every weekend a time when I share my flat with a man or I am at his place. Also, we speak on the phone daily. Plus I speak to a lot of people at work every day, as well as seeing my Mum and my sister and friends fairly frequently.
And yet, it's me who takes the day-to-day decisions - some of which I don't really think about, because they happen more or less automatically, such as "do I make the bed now or brush my teeth first", while others have a much bigger impact, such as when it came to my eye operations, or allowing my current employer to employ me, or to marry O.K. or not.
It won't surprise you to read that a lot of decision making (of the "more impact" type) happens during my walks, when my legs do the work and my mind can wander at will. In hindsight, there are very few things where I think I took the wrong decision or could have done better (and it would be useless now anyway, apart from learning from my own mistakes for the future).
You're doing well, Rachel. You keep your mind and body busy, and take full responsibility for your own life, not expecting anyone to do it for you, or blaming others when things do not turn out to your liking.
When I come in and close the door behind me and draw the curtains I know for me that that is it for the day and each day is more or less the same. I am conscious of my mind being in overdrive sometimes, and others it is more restful. My planning of things is like a conversation with myself zooming round my head with the knowledge that I am not close enough to anybody to share certain things as one would with the perfect soulmate. I think you are independent like me and close to your mother as I was.
DeleteI have only lived alone briefly - after my first marriage ended and before I met P. I was just 24 at the time and not particularly confident in myself although I managed my mortgage and day to day bills without problem.
ReplyDeleteThese days when I feel particularly frustrated with P I sometimes wonder how it would be to live alone, but the reality would probably not be quite what I would think.
You get used to it I suppose. I am a fairly independent person and when my partner was with me I was left in charge of the day to day running of the house in any case but when you have had several days of not speaking to anybody, as was the case when I wrote this, it eats away at you. Having said that, I can see many scenarios when one might end up with the wrong person and that would be even worse.
DeleteI spend a lot of my time alone even though I am married. During the day when I am alone I find it helps to talk aloud otherwise I feel I am losing my identity. I enjoy solitude depending on my state of mind! I hope you got to talk to someone today Rachel. x
ReplyDeleteHi Simone, today I did get to talk to someone and it changed my feeling to more upbeat. I went to the hairdressers and talked to my dear friend Hannah. So, yes it was good. I also spent a lot of time alone when I was with my partner but he was almost always with me in the evening and I had that point of certainty each day. I talk to myself in the car! Good to see you. xx
DeleteIt’s tiring
ReplyDeleteExhausting sometimes not to have that sounding board on tap I used to have when I was married
I miss it
I frequently find I am frightened.
DeleteI get that
DeleteI also get the exhausting too. Neither of us chose what happened to us so it makes us probably more exhausted and more frightened and more everything.
Delete