I have blacked out the bedroom windows and am sleeping longer in the mornings now, not waking until gone 7. I have also taken out the night light which I had to light my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. (It also shed a small amount of light into my bedroom). This was one of the three nightlights I put in when my ex partner left 9 years ago. These lights made me feel more comfortable in the farmhouse alone in the night and were suggested to me by the lady in the electrical shop when I asked if there was such a thing as a night light. They are an LED light that plugs straight into the socket. I have moved the bathroom trail one to another socket in the next bedroom so that it still gives me some light. I take my phone with me to the bathroom now in order to give me light from the screen to find my way.
It is nine years this August since he went. It still seems like yesterday and I relive that time over and over again especially when driving along through the area he lives when I talk out loud in the car about what the signs were, how he behaved etc. It is about time after nine years that I stopped doing this. But I can't.
Grieving doesn't have a set ending time and much as I would like to say I am over it the grief still manifests itself and grief isn't just about sadness. Grief possibly has something to do with me not sleeping well for all the years he has been gone. As I had also stopped work three months before he left I usually put not sleeping very well down to not being tired because I don't work. Who knows.
After nine years I shouldn't still be looking across the living room at the empty chair but I do.
He isn't dead and I wouldn't want him back but I still grieve for what we had and what we were going to have and mornings like today will still take me back to the shock of the morning I woke up and found he had disappeared. Clear blue sky, perfect ordinary day like today, except it wasn't a perfectly ordinary day. I have a full life again but the grief is still there. I doubt it will ever totally disappear.
I think you are right, grief never leaves us, it just sits around quietly and reapears when it will. I still grieve my parents deaths occasionally and they left more than 50 years ago. For me, its about what I can no longer share.
ReplyDeleteKathy
Grief is about anger and all sorts of pent up emotions and for my father who died over 50 years ago I am angry and suffer "what ifs" about him because I know there would have been at least 4 lives lived very differently if he had lived. His death changed things over night for all of us and nobody in my family was helped in any way with what to do next. My mother acted as if nothing had happened and from the moment he died she never spoke of him again. I am watching Evil Lives Here at the moment and whilst our house wasn't evil it certainly had a lot of hidden away secrets and this programme is mainly about families and what goes on behind closed doors. Apart from explaining several things to me about my ex it also explains things to me about my family. I probably shouldn't be watching it but in a way it is useful in its explanations. When I look across the room at the empty chair I feel sadness about a life he lost and how he must be suffering now. xx
DeleteI agree with you , I too experienced the anger , mixed with other emotions, when my parents died, bit this time, to my surprise, there was grief, but also much more acceptance. It still feels he is outside working and will be in at any minute. xx
ReplyDeleteThe anger I feel is not directed at my father himself as I am sure you understand. I am just angry that his death occurred at all. I understand what you mean that this time you had acceptance along with the grief but not anger. Perhaps as we get older we do change and get a bit wiser even if it still hurts. xx
DeleteRachel, I remember how you shared with us then what was happening. With your honesty and your ability to see reality as it was and describe it without embellishing things. I know you don't like the word "inspiration" but you were like that in your sharing.
ReplyDeleteI remember the picture of him sitting with the scarf and the black cat on his lap. Sometimes abandonment is harder than the death of someone close, the pain is immense.
I cannot remember what I said on the blog at the time but I know I had support from many people, yourself included. The morning is still very clear to me and I remember my brother coming to cut the grass and I pretended nothing had happened and continued as normal. It wasn't until a couple of weeks later that I confided in him. My family never speak of it now. Thank you Yael for your support.
DeleteI can empathise with your feeling of loss and pain. I was "abandoned" by someone I loved very much and felt that my whole world had come to an end. It took several years (even after having met P) for me to come to terms with it and realise in the end that the person who callously left me was probably not worth my tears.
ReplyDeleteNine years is a long time for you to carry that pain with you.
I think there is always a door that never quite shuts with abandonment even if one moves on completely. I feel that I have moved on as you have done but you never forget do you?
Delete9 years. I can remember your posts back then, your pain and anger and bewilderment when he suddenly just disappeared.
ReplyDeleteOf course you think about what could have been, companionship and support. It was a huge loss.
You have a hole in your life which hasn't been filled. But you're a damn strong woman. One I admire. You got your degree, write poetry, so much more and how many of us would consider travelling to Azerbaijan at any time.
March on Rachel!
As I just said to Yael, I can't remember what I said on the blog but from what you say I obviously described it as it was because I was totally bewildered. And yes, I think of what could have been and I miss companionship but I do not miss him if you know what I mean. I have moved on and cannot see how he would fit with me now but that abandonment is still raw.
DeleteDear Rachel, as you say, grief doesn't follow a set time. It is an individual journey that for some takes only weeks or months and for others only ends when their own life ends, and like you say, it brings up all sorts of emotions, not just sadness and the feeling of loss. Even relief can be part of it.
ReplyDeleteIf "Evil Lives" helps you to understand, or at least relate to, things from your own past, then it's not a mistake to watch it.
The ordinariness of a day and how it can all turn to completely NOT ordinary in the blink of an eye... like that evening when I came home from work on what had been a perfectly ordinary day, only to find Steve dead on the floor in our living room. Even 16 1/2 years later, and me being very happy with the way my life is going now, and with O.K., it seems bizarre and unreal sometimes, like something you read about or see in a film. Like you when you drive in that area and talk aloud to yourself, I do that sometimes during my walks when something triggers a particular memory of Steve, or of my Dad, and sometimes I have a little cry along the way.
I think grief is often thought of as only sadness but it is many things and can include guilt and anger and confusion. I think I have suffered all these at one time or another. I continue watching Evil Lives because, as you say, if it helps then why not. I know what you mean about the evening you found Steve on the floor and in spite of all the happiness now with O.K. that moment will never disappear. I think about my experience of my partner disappearing for months as being like something you read about in a newspaper. His mental illness prevents him from apologising to anybody, his mother, family, or me, because he sees us as all being wrong and him being right and him having done nothing he needs to apologise about. I find that difficult but since learning more about mental illness, and seen in Evil Lives, this is quite normal.
DeleteI bought blackout curtains for my bedroom and they have helped me to get a better night's sleep by keeping it darker.
ReplyDeleteYes, blacking out the bedroom does seem to help with sleeping. I took a cheap way out by sticking card on the windows. It works.
DeleteI quite recently installed the iTorch app on my phone, and use it all the time instead of lights. I get up at 5 am, but these days it's already light, so not needed.
ReplyDeleteI wonder why one needs a torch app when the torch is there to swipe. However iphones aren't my thing. For the bathroom I only need a little bit of glow, not the torch anyway.
DeleteI can hardly believe it was 9 years ago. I was 'abandoned' more than 40 years ago. I am glad he is not in my life. I sometimes wonder how I would react if I was to meet him again. Part of me wants to ignore him and part of me wants to cause him pain. I think my hurt is because I don't know why he left me without an explanation and I trusted him. I can't fully trust anyone again. It changed me. I really want you to meet your person Rachel. You have so much to offer. x
ReplyDeleteWhen one is bereaved there is a certain kind of support network, for better or worse, that exisits. When one's partner has alzheimers and is taken away, similarly, there is a support network. It sems to me from my experience there is no such thing when you are abandoned. So that affects me and my thinking. I thought I would never trust anybody again but I think it is not just because of what happened that I would not trust anybody again. I think it is actually an accumulative result of life and people in general. Thanks Simone xx
DeletePeople are often a let down. We have high expectations of them as we do so of ourselves. x
DeleteThe older I get the more I learn about who I can trust and who I can't and the proportions involved. The upward trend of proportions of those I cannot trust is frightening
Delete