Serious

 Reading list not totally resolved this morning, some up-dated some haven't.  I was expecting a comment from Cro on anti-semitism post but nothing.  I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that his reading list has not up-dated so he never saw the post although I did notice that a comment from him on the same subject elsewhere was removed by himself after publishing.  Perhaps he fears retaliation from readers of his joyful, tantalising blog.  Comment following is very interesting; as John frequently says the comments are often more interesting than the posts.  I join him in this. 

I notice that more and more bloggers are not responding to comments, merely publishing them and leaving them high and dry.  I like to respond to the comments, it is a conversation for a lonely person like me.  Believe me, I do get lonely without anyone to talk to much as I am a loner. 

It is another day on my own here.  Bank holiday in Britain, the May Day that has sort of been accepted although many of the self-employed still treat it as a working day around here although probably less so as the years go by and men retire who once objected to it.  Michael Foot in the Labour Government 1978 brought it into existence so we would be more like the Bolshviks he desired I assume. 

I was going to write about the Green Party and David Paulden, aka Zack Polanski, former Lib Dem, former actor, former life coach, but I'll leave that for another day, perhaps, if you would like me too.  But absorb it before Thursday please even if I don't write about it because those Jew hating Green Party canvassers in Norfolk saying the vilest things possible about Israel and October 7 are getting it from the top down, that's Zach Polanski whose mother no longer speaks to him. Green Party Britain means Islam Britain.  Matthew Parris is voting Labour for the first time in his life to keep the Greens out of Tower Hamlets.  He laments voting tactically but he says it is a must and if Matthew Parris says this, the man Weaver loved to read in her Times, then things are going seriously wrong in Britain. 

Of course if nobody comments I can always blame it on the Blogger reading lists.  

Saturday

 Some of you may have noticed, that's if you use blog reading lists, that blog posts are not up-dating at the moment.  I don't think it makes a great deal of difference to me as I am on only on two blog roll lists that I know of but I will be on reading lists of those who follow me.  On the one blog roll list that updates when a new post is written it is obvious that the lists are not up-dating as I am still showing as a post Grief written two days ago.  The post Antisemitism in Britain is not showing.  The Grief post has had over 300 page views, the Antisemitism shows only 160 page views.   All by-the-by really but I hope that the lack of up-dating is the only reason why nobody is interested in the Antisemitism in Britain post.  It is important.   The other blog list where I appear in Western Australia on Sarah's blog  is one that lists blogs followed but is not a time recording up-dated one.  So really I am only on one blog roll list. 

Today is another lovely day and I met my friend who likes to meet me for normalcy as she calls it.  I also like to meet her for the same reason.   

I have booked my Heathrow Express ticket and am now at the end of the things I have to do with regard to tickets and paperwork for the holiday as far as I can see.   I was undecided about how to get to Heathrow from Central London as there are various options but in the end decided to opt for the Heathrow Express and book in advance and save a considerable amount of money.  It is the most expensive Heathrow connection but the advance booking brings it down to more or less match the undergrounds.  

I had the sewing machine out yesterday and mended some jeans and did a viewing of them with my friend today, not for complimentary reasons but for the fact that, as we both know, when living alone it is very difficult to see things all around in the mirror and back views are a near impossibility so I decided to go today wearing them and ask for help. I needed to know for sure that the mend was invisible and tight without stretches when I was actually wearing them.  Whilst I could see this when sewing I could not see this when wearing.  This is something we are both well aware of living alone.  The jeans passed the test and the outfit passed with an objective eye as suitable for Baku.  My friend is familiar with Baku as she and her husband were travellers there for business reasons.   This is purely coincidental that I have a friend familiar with the city, but a good coincidence.   

I said I would be posting on Instagram.  She doesn't follow Instagram so wants me to Whatsapp her.  What a lot of techy things we do these days.  I can do that.  

I had a rather frustrating call with my mobile provider this week and the long and short of it was that the man in Mumbai did not really want to chat to me because I couldn't remember the name of my first pet.  We went through two cat names and all sorts of other things and I said I only wanted to ask a general question about data use abroad and did not want to talk about my account but he said he couldn't answer questions at all without firstly accessing my account.  I was ringing from my mobile number which is the subject of my account which you would think would have sufficed in any case. However, it appeared not to and we continued with pet name guessing.    In the end, after 10 minutes of this, I curtailed the call.  It was so frustrating and I turned to the internet and did get an answer of sorts but I would much rather have had a chat with a human about it. 

I might not be posting on the blog while I am away unless the mobile phone provider offers me a data package when I arrive which in theory it should do for a few quid which I would be willing to pay.  

But as yet I am still here.  I won't be cleaning the house very much and will leave things much as they are for the cats.    They will be fed by my neighbour. 

But I am still here.  Sorry the run up to  the holiday seems to be rather long but it is just the way it is.  

Antisemitism in Britain

 Britain has a serious antisemitism situation going on.  If you have a Jewish neighbour who has recently sent his family away to Israel it will be for safety reasons.   This is happening.    It is unsafe to be Jewish in Britain now.    Jews are vulnerable on the streets and in the synagogue.  It is an undeniable fact. 

If you are a person living in Britain and you are in any denial about this then you have your head in the sand.  

Even if the man responsble for this week's stabbings of Jews in Golders Green is of mental instability it does not mean that the attack can be shrugged off as therefore not significant to Jews in Britain. 

I believe the British Government has now declared that this is a state of emergency.   Security is to be increased.   It is a start.

Grief

 I have blacked out the bedroom windows and am sleeping longer in the mornings now, not waking until gone 7.    I have also taken out the night light which I had to light my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. (It also shed a small amount of light into my bedroom).  This was one of the three nightlights I put in when my ex partner left 9 years ago.  These lights made me feel more comfortable in the farmhouse alone in the night and were suggested to me by the lady in the electrical shop when I asked if there was such a thing as a night light.  They are an LED light that plugs straight into the socket.   I have moved the bathroom trail one to another socket in the next bedroom so that it still gives me some light.  I take my phone with me to the bathroom now in order to give me light from the screen to find my way. 

It is nine years this August since he went.  It still seems like yesterday and I relive that time over and over again especially when driving along through the area he lives when I talk out loud in the car about what the signs were, how he behaved etc.  It is about time after nine years that I stopped doing this.  But I can't. 

Grieving doesn't have a set ending time and much as I would like to say I am over it the grief still manifests itself and grief isn't just about sadness.  Grief possibly has something to do with me not sleeping well for all the years he has been gone.  As I had also stopped work three months before he left I usually put not sleeping very well down to not being tired because I don't work.  Who knows.  

After nine years I shouldn't still be looking across the living room at the empty chair but I do.  

He isn't dead and I  wouldn't want him back but I still grieve for what we had and what we were going to have and mornings like today will still take me back to the shock of the morning I woke up and found he had disappeared.  Clear blue sky, perfect ordinary day like today, except it wasn't a perfectly ordinary day.  I have a full life again but the grief is still there.  I doubt it will ever totally disappear. 

Peace

 This afternoon I went to Women's Institute and we had a talk on birdsong from a woman who is also a folk singer and musician.  An interesting combination of interests but apparently not so unusual and many singers, even opera singers, have a strong interest in birdsong she told us.  

The talk took us to Rye Harbour Nature Reserve where she had undertaken a residency a few years back and lived in a caravan on her own for a year recording birdsong and writing songs.  She showed slides, played birdsong recordings,  and sang her own songs.  Excellent afternoon. 

King Charles was wonderful in the US and the perfect antidote to President Trump.  His voice sounded amazing and his delivery to Congress was of well chosen words which he imparted without hesitation.  I hope all the doubters about the visit will now see that it was the right thing for Britain and the US.  Charles and Camilla are representing Britain with style and diplomacy and fortitude.  

 

Two films

 I went to see the Michael Jackson movie Michael.  Yes, it is a biopic rather than a documentary.  His nephew plays him and does it very well.  It is a story that tells you very little about Michael, I know that sounds crazy,  but it gives little or no explanation about anything that you see in front of you, it is just presented without much background or stuffing,  nothing much about what was going on in the heads of anyone in the family except that Jackson senior was pretty cruel to Michael when he was growing up.  I don't know how much this harshness is true but there was nothing to tell us anything really.  I am guessing of course that he was a harsh man.  At least with other biopics, such as Freddie Mercury,  I was able to get my head around his problems, or thought I could, and where he was coming from.   This Jackson one did not give me that. None of his brothers speak in the film at all although in the first part with cruel dad they are present when Michael is getting the belt.  This early life part takes up easily a third of the film and is a lot about the cruelty and dominance of Jackson senior. 

There is quite a lot of Michael's obsession with getting things right in dance and production on stage, quite rightly so, and then we see him with exotic animals but no explanation of how they come to be there like a giraffe and llama in the garden.  I actually covered my eyes because I am not that great with chimpanzees and hand holding and talking like they are a child and a giraffe running by.    I don't know if the menagerie was true but I do recall him having a chimp as a pet but this one looked scarily like a AI image.    The film goes up to 1988 and there is no bad stuff in it about Michael.  It just suddenly ends and it says "to be continued" or something like that. 

There was quite a lot of music when the credits went up at the end so it was worth staying the  seven or eight minutes to hear the most of the music of the whole film if the music is what you want which I did.   I was the only person who stayed through all that.  Everybody else just got up and left as soon as it said "to be continued".  All in all a bit disappointing and about 2 stars.  

Today I went to see Mother Mary which is my worst movie ever in a while and I left before the end.  I really could not get my head around it, what it was about, what was the point of it and what was such a good cast doing in this rubbish film. Did it ever get going?  Not while I was there.  It didn't seem to be a horror or spooky even though a ghost was mentioned, it was unconvincing.    But then that was just me, maybe others like it.  It starred Anne Hathaway and Michaela Coel and it was something about a pop singer reuniting with her estranged partner(?) fashion designer.  I had high hopes in the opening scene when Anne Hathaway staggers into the fashion design house uninvited through the rain and pushes past everyone like a woman possessed and then it was downhill all the way.   Of course I left before the end so maybe it all happened in the last 30 minutes so who am I to say but I wasn't the only person to walk out and not come back.  I would seriously say do not bother to go to this film and I don't like saying that. 

Cafés and Packs

 The weekend passed fairly quickly and uneventfully.  I  firstly met up with a lady from the Women's Institute who invited me to join her for a late coffee on Friday afternoon.  She suggested a café in the town where I had last summer been having coffee with the young date guy.  It was one café we had not reached before we stopped what we were doing.  (It is a town of linear settlement with many cafés stretched over a mile long street so it would have taken us several months of coffee on a Saturday afternoon to get to the end).  

It was a pleasant little place which I remembered as a jewellers many years ago.  It was like a tardis being tiny and happily and comfortably squeezing in several tables in a nice bright atmosphere.  It appeared to do everything from coffee to burgers to milk shakes to herbal teas and a steady stream of regulars came in whilst we were there.  This lady is new to me and we passed a pleasant hour.  It certainly makes a big difference to the day to meet up with someone when living alone.  She also lives alone.   

It was a pity that I had not got to this café with the boy.  However, it was a good summer whatever even if we didn't manage to visit every single café in town and he gave me lots to write about in my poems.   I believe it was meant to be that he came into my life at that point in time.  There is always a reason for everything I think. Fate, a power beyond human control.  I was writing my dissertation which included a collection of poems.  I was presented with this bundle of happiness in the form of a short but happy relationship and the words flowed. 

I received a new backpack on Friday.  I ordered from Amazon one weighing less than a pound and having a 40 litre capacity.   I had become fed up with my one weighing 4 lbs empty, also 40 litre capacity.   4 lbs is a lot to start with empty when you are filling a pack for a two week holiday.  I took a chance with a £20 thin pack with good reviews. 

I was not disappointed and yesterday packed as if ready to go and the difference was startling, 4 lbs is like lugging around two bags of sugar and that was no more.  Here is a picture of the new pack.  I have sorted out my things and it will work for me.  I took a walk around the garden with it fully packed to sort out straps and the pull on the  shoulders which is important when using rucksacks. 

 

The weather will be quite hot and the necessity for lots of different outfits  is not relevant for me.  Travel within the country will be by buses and trains and air.    I feel comfortable that I have made the right backpack decision.